You caught me, Akron. I admit I was wrong.
The lure of candy was just too much, so I took the risk and I paid the price. Blame it on the caramel creams.
Usually I walk to the Peanut Shoppe from our downtown office, but I happened to be driving along South Main Street on a recent weekday morning and decided to pull over to buy some treats. There were plenty of empty spaces. I mean, it’s downtown Akron in 2023.
Sure, I could’ve taken the time to figure out the new parking meters or insert a credit card or download the new app or pretend I understood QR codes. Why bother? I wouldn’t be long.
I arrived just as the store opened at 10 a.m.
In the time it took to buy a half-pound each of caramel creams, tootsie rolls, honeybee candies and fruit chews, I received a parking ticket.
The meter guy must have chuckled to himself as I sauntered across the street, oblivious to his presence. I was gone for only five minutes!
I returned to find a ticket on my windshield. Man, can that guy write fast.
Maybe there ought to be a little leeway for customers supporting downtown businesses — say, um, exactly five minutes — before enforcement of parking rules on a less-than-busy street.
Other drivers should be aware that downtown parking enforcement takes place from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Friday. Weekends and holidays are free.
I had the option of denying the parking infraction, requesting a hearing and bringing evidence to back up my claim. The only evidence I had was a bag of delicious candy.
So I mailed my $10 fine to the parking violations bureau with a “LOVE” stamp on the envelope. I swear I wasn’t being passive-aggressive. It was the only stamp I had.
However, I did write “Follow me to Akron” on the memo line of the check.
You can bet I learned my lesson. Next time, I will look carefully for the meter guy before I saunter into the store for caramel creams.
What utter balderdash
Darn it to heck. A new study has found that Ohio is the second sweariest state in the nation.
BonusFinder.com, an online gambling portal, reported analyzing hot posts on subreddit pages to determine which states had “the worst potty mouths.” The average American swears 80 to 90 times a day — or about five words every hour, according to researchers.
To virtually no one’s surprise, Texas captured first place with more than 6.9 cuss words per post. Analysts detected 4,743 expletives across 691 posts. Jeepers, that’s a lot of F-words and S-words.
Ohio proudly finished second with an average of 6.7 cuss words per post, equating to 5,601 expletives from 833 posts. How many of those were directed toward Michigan?
Florida came in third with 6.5 swear words per post and 4,723 uses overall in 726 posts. When the snowbirds arrive from Ohio, it could increase.
Remarkably, California was the state with the least incendiary language with only 0.2 cuss words per post, according to the study. What a bunch of poltroons.
Come on, Ohio. You can do better. Try for No. 1 next time.
Make the connection
Let’s play a game. I’m going to give you a list of words and you’re going to tell me how they’re related.
Ready? Here goes:
Alert. Anvil. Bloomer. Climax. Crayon. Delightful. Dodo. Dull. Equity. Fly. Funk. Hooker. Jumbo. Jump. Modest. Pansy. Relief. Spanker.
Did you crack the code? Believe it or not, those are the names of communities in Ohio.
This and that
● Cleveland Metroparks has drained 87-acre Hinckley Lake to replace a 1927 dam. I wonder if any aging mobsters are getting a little worried about what workers might find in the mud.
● Whoever designed the new configuration of Central Interchange in Akron must have played a lot of Spirograph as a kid.
● The November election was a real throwback. Anne Eisenhower ran for Medina municipal judge and Ryan Nixon ran for Brunswick Hills Township trustee. Those surnames probably haven’t been on the same ballot since 1956.
● Do out-of-state telemarketers ever call Stan Hywet to ask for Stan?
● To me, winter doesn’t officially arrive until the two ornamental lions are wrapped in green protective plastic at that beautiful home on Miller Road in Fairlawn. Enjoy your hibernation, noble beasts. See you next spring.
Mark J. Price can be reached at mprice@thebeaconjournal.com
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This article originally appeared on Akron Beacon Journal: If you don’t feed the meter, it will cost you | Mark J. Price